~~Convicted
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell.
He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids.
He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets,
going "Anybody got a match?"
~~A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that
the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big
fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next
to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak
to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This
is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at
crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for
assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a
woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"
Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman,
I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman
thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope,
the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"