I've met some cool and funny people on this site all joke and laugh no matter what corner of the earth their from. So who has a favorite joke. Mine is.... a woman was standing infront of her bedroom mirror and says to her husband who was laying in bed...'' I'm FAT!!!''.........'' I'm looking old ''....'' and I'm ugly'' say something positive to me... her husband turns to her and says.... at least your eyesight is spot on :D
Joke of the day
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Joke of the day
Ok Ok, before I tell this, for legal reasons I have to say that I love blondes and have nothing against them whatsoever..... Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking...... and one blonde says to the other, "which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says, "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida??" Meistership B-)
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you :D Dave Meisterson B-)
LOL Dave I love blond jokes. (Sry Streamie) A blond just bought herself her first sportscar. One night there was a hailstorm and her car suffered some damage. She took it to her local bodyshop and the owner decided to have a joke on the dumb blond. He told her "Ya know I can fix this for about 2000 but you could do it yourelf and save some money." She was interested so asked how. He replied "Just blow real hard into the tail pipe and all the little dents will pop out". Being a frugal blond she decided to do just that. She drove it home and parked it for a while to cool down. She wasn't totaly stupid. Later that day she lay on the driveway furiously blowing in the tailpipe. She was getting frustrated because it wasn't working. Just then her blond friend came over and asked what she was doing. The first blond explained to her friend what the body shop owner had told her. Her friend exclaimed "You're idiot no wonder it doesn't work, you have to shut all the windows first!"
while we're on the topic of blonde jokes... 2 blondes were driving down a country road in a car when they looked into the field beside them and saw a blonde in a canoe, trying to paddle her way across the field. the first blonde says "it's blondes like her who give us a bad name!" the second blonde replies "ya, i know what you mean. if i could swim, i'd go out there and beat her up!" --jason
another blonde joke... a blonde and a brunette (who don't know each other) are boarding a plane from chicago, US to london, england which has a stop-over in NYC, US. the blonde shows her ticket to the flight attendant then gets escourted up to a first-class seat. next, the brunette shows her ticket, and is told she'd be sitting back in coach, right in front of the washrooms. well, she starts to complain, saying she paid for a first-class seat, and she won't settle down until she's allowed in first class. the flight attendant tells her the flight is booked, and there's no empty seats, so that won't be possible. the arguing continues so long that the pilot comes back to see what the problem is, and after hearing the story, he looks up into first-class. he then walks up to the blonde and whispers something into her ear. she stands up, shocked, then quickly walks back to the open seat in coach. later, the flight attendant asks the pilot what he said, to which he responds "i told her that first-class was only going so far as NYC, and only coach would continue on to London." --jason
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
A blonde is driving down the road she sees a cop flashing his lights behind her. She pulls over. The cop comes up to her window and the blonde realizes that the cop is a blonde too. The cop says I need your driver's license and the blonde says, "What does it look like?" the cop replies, "It's square and has your picture on it." so the blonde searches through her purse and finds a mirror looks at it then gives it to the cop. The cop says, "Oh, ok I'm sorry I didn't know you were a cop too :D
ok, let's see how many answers we can get to the question: "how do you confuse a blonde?" i'll start off with a few... put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner give her a box of m&m's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order --jason
sorry to all the blondes :p........ 2 blondes were walking down the road and they notice a mirror laying in the road the first blonde girl goes and looks in the mirror and shouts to her friend '' hey i know this girl in the mirror''.... the second blond walks over and looks into the mirror and says...'' Its me you fool''.......:p
There is a mirror that if you tell it a lie you are sucked into the mirror but if you tell the truth you are given money. A brunette walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the tallest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror. A few minutes later a ginger haired person walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the fattest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror. The next day a blonde walks up to the mirror. She stares deep into it and says, "I think," and shazam... :D
Justice Brewer was asked by a man, "Will you please tell me, sir, what is the penalty for bigamy?" Justice Brewer smiled and answered, "Two mothers-in-law." B-)
i dont have joke of the day but i sure as hell have worst joke of the day. who's the underwater agent? ... james pond
If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening, he went to a singles bar, where he spots the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, her natural beauty takes his breath away. I may look just like an ordinary man," he says, as he walks up to her,"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles that evening, and the next day, she became his stepmother. Will men ever learn? :D
Disorder in the court These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts." They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who endured the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. Taken from:
http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/6/wo/wQtjQDafoKIuwp7LZt9iBw/47.0.9.1.0.1.5.3.0.18.6.1.3
-Lady you look great sitting there in the toilette -Ah, close the door!!! - Are you a gynecologist? - No, but I could take a look...
Riddle of the Day Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Bush is one. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi's. What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good ) The answer is: 'A Last Name.'
The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!! I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all dependents?" I replied : -12 million illegal immigrants; - 3 million crack heads; -42 million unemployable people on food stamps, - 2 million people in over 243 prisons; -Half of Mexico ; - and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer....
A young Vancouver woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hide her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the crew," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Nanaimo Ferry.”
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Charlie, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check- out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's but and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.